Playing it Safe

This is a characteristic of myself which I often feel frustrated with, but never am sure whether I ought to feel frustrated with it. I see people who launch themselves on adventures (for instance) at start-up companies and feel somewhat envious, but I'm reluctant to give up what is a fairly comfortable work environment at Apple (offices, cafeteria, fairly set working hours) for a yuckier work environment at some other company (execrable cube environment, limited lunch options, pressure to work long hours).

And, since I already have more than enough things I want to do to fill my time, I'm reluctant to try out new activities, especially since it's always too easy to see how such activities might turn out to be a drag and something I'd regret getting involved with, unless I check them out thoroughly beforehand.

I hate feeling like I've made myself look like an idiot in front of others, and I always want to do things perfectly. (And I never, ever want to repeat a mistake I made before.) So I spend a lot of time being very self-conscious, and wondering what people think of me. And even when I do well... well, sometimes I feel like I can rest on my laurels for a little while, but before too long I start worrying again. "What have you done for us lately?"

I don't really trust, well, the world. I don't believe that people judge other people on merit, except in a few narrow areas (I think that some companies do so for their employees, to some degree, for instance). Mostly I think things happen largely capriciously, or because someone wants to do a favor for a friend, or stick it to an enemy. Things which are largely out of most of our control. You'd think (maybe) that this outlook would free me to do whatever I feel like, but instead I just try hard to make sure people know what I've done and can do, and make sure they can't judge me on any less than that.

And on top of that, I never feel entirely comfortable blowing my own horn, and have been chided more than once for not bringing up something positive about myself because it seemed like inappropriate bragging. (Though this doesn't stop me from blowing my own horn in private, among friends. It's different when it's "off the record" somehow. Though I sometimes wonder if I brag about myself too often, and diminish myself in others' eyes through it.)

The impact on my dating life (or, rather, the lack thereof) is left as an exercise to the reader.

No, just kidding. Even putting aside trepidation about becoming intimate with someone new, I don't really join new social groups, and so I meet relatively few new people, and even fewer women whom I'm attracted to. (I see women I find attractive often, but that's very different from meeting them, of course.) I have to be extremely attracted to someone to ask her out on a date (being very shy in that way). And at this point I despair that I'll ever meet a woman who shares enough of my interests (or even any of my key interests) that we'd have a successful long-term relationship.

There are certain small ways in which I go out on a limb. For instance, I moved out here to California to work for Apple. Although in some ways I don't know how much of a risk that was: I knew I wanted to try working for Apple, I had several friends out here already, and I made sure that I'd be paid reasonably well to maintain (as they say) the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed. (Living comfortably is very important to me. It's one reason I can't see living in the Bay Area for a long time: There's a clear upper limit on comfort here, and it's not far above where I am now.)

I started going to the Kepler's book discussion a few months ago, knowing none of the people there ahead of time. I've made efforts to get to know some of the people around me whom I've met through the net (but how much of a risk is that, really?). But these all feel like small things. I always have contingency plans to fall back on, or they're not big things where I'm really risking anything.

I guess I spend a lot of my life living in fear that I'm going to lose things: That my car will get stolen, that my apartment will get robbed and years of collecting effort and enjoyment will go out the window (figuratively and literally), that someone at work will see that I'm a fraud and I'll lose my job, that I'll lose my friends, and so forth.

Of course, all of these fears have been largely contradicted by reality, but they're still things I fear, and fear deeply. They don't seem to be things that other people in similar positions to me fear, not actively.

I have a good life in many ways, and on one level I know that, but on another level I feel like I don't really enjoy it, and on yet another I feel like it's not a meaningful life.

A number of things touched off this tirade, I guess.

After learning on Thursday that I've been accepted for the developer position I applied for, I've been worried about how 'safe' the position is. I don't think I was the ideal candidate for what they wanted, and there's this voice in my head that says they might change their mind at any moment. And yet, I think I am a good programmer and can work well in the position, and I don't think I'd become a better candidate if I waited longer to interview. It's crazy. I'll probably worry about this at least until I'm actually sitting down doing actual development.

My car has developed a loud squeak in one wheel. I've been putting off my oil change for a bit (about a month), partly due to vacation, partly due to sloth, partly because I don't really believe oil needs to be changed every 3000 miles. The squeak appeared Saturday evening; it sounds like it might be a brake pad problem, which is odd since I bought the car new in September. It's one of those "yet another thing to deal with" things.

I spent today at work; the QA team was asked to come in to test a new build since we want to get some stuff done before the long weekend for Independence Day. I got there somewhat later than originally planned (although I took care of some of the preparation I'd need to do yesterday). I got through my work in pretty good time. But I hate working on weekends, unless I'm doing something really interesting.

My cold has persisted through the weekend, mostly in the congestion/nasal drip stage. I'm hoping one more good night's sleep will mostly take care of it, though.

Tonight was listening to Sound Money on NPR, and they were talking about money management in your 20s and 30s. I've had a big pile of money sitting in my savings account for years now. I had originally been holding it because I figured I'd buy a house in Madison. And then I moved here, and I haven't been sure of what to do with it. And now I feel like a prize chump for sitting on it for all that time. So I'm thinking I should perhaps go to an investment counselor or something to figure out what I should do, since I've basically given up on the idea of buying real estate in California.

(Of course, what I really want to do is play the stock market, having felt pretty dumb for not investing in Amazon and eBay back when they went public - and seemed like sure things to me at the time. But I'm not sure I feel capable and confident enough to risk my savings in that way. And yet, living in California seems close enough to the edge that taking risks almost seems necessary to make any headway.)

I spend Friday and Saturday evenings at Borrone reading. At one point, after some attractive woman walked past me, I recall thinking, "Another attractive woman who is not for me." (You should think of the words "not for me" being pronounced somewhat sarcastically or half-jokingly, but perhaps it does not translate into print very well.)

And, my fantasy baseball team is pretty much going into the tank lately, despite my early confidence that I had a pretty good team. Pretty much every strategy - and every risk - I took on draft day has not worked out. Gah.

So yes, it's been another pointlessly-introspective weekend.

Forum: Are you a risk-taker? How do you deal with these issues?