Star Wars: Attack of the Clones

This is the second of five entries about my Boston vacation. To start at the beginning, go here.

The reviews I'd read indicated that Attack of the Clones (2002) was even worse than The Phantom Menace. I'm happy to report that it ain't so, Joe. Sadly, I also have to report that it's also far from a good film.

Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) - the future Darth Vader - is now apprentice to Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor, who must look more like the elder Alec Guinness than any man alive); he's a headstrong young Jedi who's given his first real mission to protect Senator (and ex-Queen) Padme Amidala (Natalie Portman) following an attempt on her life.

While Anakin and Padme retreat to her homeworld of Naboo to fall in love, er, I mean, to hide out, Obi-Wan tracks down the assassin, a bounty hunter named Jango Fett (Temuera Morrison), who is the template for a clone army being grown in secret apparently at the request of a dead Jedi Knight. Jango, it turns out, is working for Lord Dooku (Christopher Lee, "on loan", as one reviewer put it, from The Lord of the Rings), who is organizing an alliance against the Republic. Though Anakin and Padme make a detour to Tatooine to find Anakin's mother (and pick up C-3PO), everyone ends up facing down the rebellion in the climactic battle.

Several reviewers have noted that Clones is not so much a story as a series of vignettes, and they're not entirely wrong. It doesn't really fail, but the dual-storyline approach feels forced and artificial, the cuts between the Obi-Wan story and the Anakin story jarring.

Other than Lucas' legendary bad dialogue (go watch Leia and Han flirting in The Empire Strikes Back and then listen to Padme professing her love of Anakin; worlds apart in both believability and entertainment value), where the film really falls down is in the acting. Apparently the only way Lucas could convince us that the Jedi - masters of "trusting their feelings" to use the Force - would be unable to see the danger that having Anakin guard Padme presents is to make everyone behave like emotionless robots (just about the only one here who displays any genuine emotion is C-3PO, and in his case it's usually frustrating or bewilderment). Can Christensen act? Can Portman? You couldn't convince me of it from what we see here. McGregor and Morrison both turn in barely creditable performances, though they largely involve the gritting of teeth or the turn of a witty remark. And Yoda (voice of Frank Oz) - a veritable font of emotion in Empire and Return of the Jedi - seems like the computer-generated image he is here. (Don't even get me started on Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu.) Christopher Lee outshines them all in only moments of screen time.

Special effects? Why yes, we have special effects galore! Lucas still hasn't figured out how to choreograph a huge battle scene in a way that makes it followable, never mind meaningful, but that's a problem that dates back to Jedi so is perhaps forgivable. And the carnage is often quite impressive, with flashing light sabers and hundreds of figures acting in concert - or not, as the scene requires. (I'm not entirely sure why the Republic can't just send in some big ships and stomp on Dooku and his friends in short order. Why the need for clones at all? Whatever.)

And what is this thing Lucas has for names with 'oo' in them? Tatooine. Wookie. Naboo. Dooku. What's the deal?

It struck me later on, though, that the really interesting thing about Episodes One and Two are how closely they parallel Episodes Four and Five. It can't be coincidence. Consider:

• On the run from the bad guys, C-3PO and R2-D2/Padme and Obi-Wan find Luke/Anakin slaving away on Tatooine.
• Luke drives a land speeder. Anakin pod-races.
• The Jedi mentor of the hero - Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon - is killed at the end of part one by the apprentice to the villain - Darth Vader/Darth Maul.
• Luke and Anakin both get to destroy a really big space base.
• Luke and Anakin each have a new mentor in part two - Yoda and Obi-Wan.
• In Empire Luke is separated from his friends and eventually leaves his mission to go save them. In Clones, Anakin is separated from Obi-Wan and eventually leaves his mission to go save him.
• Luke and Anakin each face the villain's apprentice - Vader and Dooku - and lose their hand in a battle in which their adversary escapes.
• As others have noted, the final scenes of both Empire and Clones are basically the same: The hero and heroine hand-in-hand flanked by their droids.

From these parallels, it seems clear that Episode Three will start with a return to Tatooine, and then progress to a raid on the villains' bases. While Obi-Wan, Padme and company battle to destroy their foes (and, one presumes, lose), Anakin will fight Dooku before Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) and win, but then be turned by Palpatine to the dark side, at which point he'll face Obi-Wan, lose, become horribly disfigured, and so become Darth Vader as the Republic falls and the Empire rises. All of this mirroring Jedi, save that the good guys lose, and ending (one presumes) with the birth of Luke and Leia, and Obi-Wan taking them to Tatooine and Alderaan for hiding.

Not an awful story, but all this muddle with the Trade Federation and the Clones seems like a terribly round-about way to get there.

Anyway, If you like Star Wars, then by all means, go see Clones. It's far from essential viewing, though.

Lastly, a SPOILER WARNING because I want to discuss some elements of the plot which don't make sense when the film ends:

Why did Dooku tell Obi-Wan that the Sith Lord is in control of the Senate? If Dooku is working for the Sith Lord (which he is), this makes sense if he's trying to misdirect Obi-Wan, but he's actually telling the truth. Why? On the other hand, if Dooku is earnest about wanting to recruit Obi-Wan to his cause to save the Republic, then his behavior later makes little sense.

About the clones: Presumably Palpatine was the one who placed the order for them, since his goal seems to be to foment war. But why would Jango Fett be working for Dooku and also be the template for the clones? Playing both ends against the middle seems like risky business when you're a bounty hunter; why does he bother, when he can just take the money (which seems considerable) and run?

(By the way, I presume that Boba Fett is Jango's unaltered clone. It's irrelevant to the story, of course.)

Lucas seems to have outfoxed himself in his plotting, as his characters' motivations don't make a lot of sense.

This first trilogy could have been so much more powerful and moving, but Lucas seems just to be too concerned with appearing clever and appealing to the kiddie set in order to sell lots of toys. It's a waste.