6 December 1997: The Iron Grasp

Saturday, 6 December 1997:

The Iron Grasp

It was an I-don't-want-to-face-the-world morning for me. I woke up around 9:30, and finally struggled out of bed around 11:30. I think the cats were a bit confused about why I'd lie in bed for so long, when I was obviously awake. I went and did some Christmas shopping later, which took quite an effort as I still had this really strong aversion to interacting with people, even on just a business transaction level. Although I sometimes curse the fact that I always have things in my "to do" pipeline, at times like this I guess it's a good thing, in that it motivates me to get out of my cave.

Down at the coffee shop tonight (where I got a quarter of the way through David Brin's novel The Uplift War) I was reflecting on my current predicament and realizing that I've just been simply unable to grapple with the problem in my most adept manner: Thinking it through rationally. Yes, I'm being vague about what the problem is, I'm afraid; obliqueness is the best I'm prepared to handle in this forum, right now.

When I was younger - in high school and earlier - I tended to feel negative emotions very strongly, and positive emotions not nearly as strongly. More than once I overturned all the furniture in my room in a rage. Although I doubt throwing tantrums was unusual for my age, I think the relative lack of equally strong positive emotions - joy, contentment, love - was unusual. In fact, I outright rejected the very idea that love was a real emotion until sometime in college, largely because I had never really experienced it. (I'm using "love" in the romantic and sexual senses; I think familial love is a very different emotion.)

I don't really know why this was, though surely I was strongly influenced by my environment. I can't effectively analyze the active agents in my upbringing to properly examine the whys and wherefores, however.

I also developed a very rational, logical approach to things (indeed, Star Trek's Mr. Spock was a role model for me when I was quite young); I think this approach was influenced by strong analytical skills, a keen perception of the physical world around me, and very visually-oriented. I also tend to be somewhat "rule-bound", although in recent years this aspect of my personality has become extremely complex, a by-product of my ability to keep huge amounts of data in my head at more-or-less one time. (This ability probably feeds my analytical skills, and also contributes to my ability to free-associate and to make really bad puns.)

Eventually, in college, I did fall in love, an experience which truly turned my world upside-down, and which I tried for a long time to deny. During this period what was probably my deepest and most profound period of disfunction when, by the time I had come to terms with what I was feeling, the woman in question had more-or-less given up on me and turned to someone else. It was one of those I-can-barely-put-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other experiences, which I hope I never feel again.

I was very lucky (I think) in that we did eventually get back together. It was both a good thing and a bad thing that my first love was more experienced than I was, as she proved to be a good 'teacher', but I think she also was deeply frustrated with my hesitant progress. Of course, I always wanted to understand everything; it took me quite a few years to learn that there are many things which cannot be understood in a timely manner.

Another negative experience I had in college was in undertaking too many responsibilities. I became extremely absorbed in pursuing my degree in college, and had a huge amount of work to do, and I eventually became overwhelmed. I didn't realize this except in retrospect, a couple of years later; it certainly was not something I had planned. When I barely have time to do everything, I certainly don't have to to think about things, and without that time I'm far more likely to screw up.

This was one of several factors which torpedoed that first relationship - something else I didn't realize in retrospect. Our relationship became very complicated and difficult, and needed a lot of work, and I simply didn't devote the time to it. In retrospect (again), this seems like one of the most flamingly stupid things I've done in my life, but I think that has to be tempered with the fact that it was my first relationship and that many mistakes were made simply because I didn't know any better, and indeed I didn't even know what I should be aware of or looking for.

Today I certainly don't have the fundamental problems with emotions like love that I had ten years ago, and I have much better control over my negative emotions. However, positive emotions are still ones that I am slow to feel and express, while the negative emotions erupt much more easily. I don't throw physical tantrums anymore, though occasionally the impulse to shred a few dozen comic books rears up in the base of my brain (no, I haven't given in in many years). I can also hold grudges for a long time (there were some people I so disliked in high school, that I fervently hoped they would not show up at our reunion, even though I could barely remember why I disliked them).

It seems like so much of my life is based on control over and understanding of myself. It is intensely frustrating to be overwhelmed by my feelings like I have been lately, as I realize there are parts of me that can give in so easily. And doing so simply sweeps away my ability to work things through, to perceive and analyze what's going on.

I know that there are things about myself that I'm refusing to face right now, because doing so would deal a serious blow to my ability to compose myself. I'm also starting to realize that there are certain recurring situations in my current life which are prone to trigger these overwhelming times of disfunctionality. I've been trying to grapple with these triggers for some time now, and today I feel that I am simply unable to do so, and that my only recourse is to avoid, as much as possible, putting myself in such situations - a "solution" which has its own ramifications, of course.

I'm very good at running away from things (I think it's genetic; has to do with being a mammal), and at railing against things and at generally howling at the moon. I'm not so good at working through and solving problems which I don't really understand, and that I have only very limited control over.

And I guess that's what I really hate: Not being in control, or having proper understanding. Not being able to think things through and reach a conclusion.

Michael Rawdon (Contact)