The Flee-and-Hide Reflex

My "flee and hide" reflex is kicking away quite strongly this week, in part because of what I wrote here last night. Indeed, I got cold feet this morning and edited some bits I didn't feel comfortable with. But I'm in full anti-social mode right now, which is unusual because it doesn't usually descend on me this fast.

I'm starting to wonder if this is a hint that I'm profoundly unhappy with my life right now, and just trying not to face it. Certainly there are some elements with which I'm unhappy right now, but I'm not sure about the gestalt.

Once upon a time I felt like I was very open with the details of my life - I didn't care who knew what. Over the last ten years or so that's changed, and there are certain things that I do try to keep under wraps. I've met many people who have a very high "privacy threshold", and I think that's rubbed off on me somewhat.

I have been using this journal to try to become more comfortable with revealing my secrets. Not that these secrets are earth-shattering or anything, they're just things I'm used to keeping under wraps. However, since so much of a person's life involves other people, it's nearly impossible to just discuss anything here without compromising someone else's privacy. It's a tough balancing act, and I don't think I've been doing it all that well. It's very frustrating; would that I could return to the days of yore when I could talk about anything and not feel self-conscious.

I think I've mentioned before that I also suffer from foot-in-mouth syndrome, that I often speak before I think and commit many verbal faux pas. I made a New Year's Resolution to do better on that this year, and I think I had some limited success, but it was pretty limited. Although the other way to look at it is that I mainly commit these faux pas around people who aren't the sort of people I grew up relating to (a strange set of individuals indeed). My social circle in my teen years was very verbally adept, and fairly combative on that level (not maliciously so; it was just the game we played), which I think is not the way that most people are used to operating.

This combination of impulses - sometimes keeping secrets but other times just blurting things out - makes me feel like it would be best if I just clam up and don't say anything to anyone.

As you can see from this entry, I can get pretty moody. Sometimes I think I'm too hard on myself; other times I think I'm not hard enough, that I'm too quick to find a way to defend or justify the way I am. Sigh.

On the plus side, the cats have been very affectionate lately; I think they really like how much time I've spent reading instead of sitting in front of the computer. Jefferson has nagged me to pick him up whenever I get home, and Newton has spent a lot of time on my lap. It's nice to know that, by-and-large, I can always count on them.

Michael Rawdon (Contact)