Bad News

I'm not going to dive much into the details here. That wouldn't be fair to Adrienne, and she's already felt rather uncomfortable with me talking about her on the net like this. But I will say a little bit.

I was the one who actually said, "I think we should stop dating." It was a terribly difficult thing to say, and Adrienne was so clearly hurt by it that I felt like a colossal heel after I said it. But I wouldn't have done so if I hadn't felt it was the right thing to do. It's been on my mind since Sunday (which was itself a pretty difficult day), and the talks we've had since then have kept me thinking about it.

I was so shaken over it afterwards that I immediately phoned Karen and talked to her about it. She did her best to be supportive, and it helped a little bit, but mainly I just need to work through my feelings. That takes time, time and thinking and feeling.

Did I really do right for myself? For Adrienne? She's going through some tough times lately and I feel like I'm abandoning her. And I hate seeing someone I care about hurting, especially knowing that I had a hand in it. This is the sort of second-guessing that I do. The answers are muddy and not easily unearthed, of course. It may be right in some ways and wrong in others. What can I do but try my best?

Adrienne stopped by a few hours later to return to me a book she'd been borrowing. She says she really doesn't want to lose a friend, and that I've been a bright spot in her life lately. I hope that we can be friends, but obviously there will need to be adjustments for it to work. We'll have to see; there's no way now to tell what can or will happen.

No load has been lifted from my heart; it actually feels pretty squashed right now. Is there any good to be found in this?

Well, yes: I got to spend a few weeks dating an attractive, charming woman, and there's certainly the chance that we'll develop a good friendship in the wake of this. Meeting Adrienne has certainly been worth it.

But boy, it sure is painful right about now.